I never thought much about having a relapse of my PTSD. As I got older and I found myself coping better, I thought this was the way it would be from now on. I never thought another trauma could send me tumbling back into the flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance of yesterday…but it did.
That was a shock. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been, but I never expected to backslide like I have, and to find myself having to deal with feelings and responses that I thought were relegated to the past. Now I’m reliving a lot of those feelings and I have to tell you I don’t like it.
When it happened, it felt like the ground shifted under me. I thought I had more distance from those old reactions than I really did. That can happen with PTSD. Even when we have made progress, a new trauma, stress, or loss can stir things up again. It does not erase the work I have done. It does not mean I failed. But it does mean I have to slow down and pay attention to what my mind and body are telling me.
My hope is that this time it won’t take as long or require as much effort to pull myself up as it did last time. I don’t know if that will be the case or not, but I remain hopeful that what I’ve learned in the past will help again this time around. From the start that I’ve made, my past coping mechanisms appear to be helpful, if not as totally effective as they were 20 years ago.
I think that is part of the hard truth of recovery. We do not always go in a straight line. Sometimes we move forward, then slide back, then keep going. That can be discouraging, but it can also be a chance to use what we have learned. I may be older now, and my needs may be different, but I still know some things that help me stay steady.
What I Am Using Now
I’m back to meditation, prayer, calming music and all the other tools I have in my personal arsenal for coping. They work; perhaps not as fast as they once did, or maybe that’s an inaccurate memory. Either way, I at least feel like I have some skills to draw upon now that I didn’t when I was younger, and I know I’ll make it through. That’s something to be happy about!
When I say I’m using those tools again, I mean I am trying to build my days around them on purpose. I do not wait until I am already overwhelmed if I can help it. I try to start with small steps. A few quiet minutes. A prayer. Music that calms me. A break from too much noise. Those small things do not fix everything, but they can keep things from getting worse.
For me, that also means being honest about what is happening. If I am having more flashbacks or nightmares, I need to say so. If I feel on edge, I need to admit that too. Keeping it all inside usually makes it heavier. Speaking it out loud, even just to myself at first, helps me see that I am dealing with a relapse, not with the whole of who I am.
I also remind myself to be patient. I want healing to be quick, but it often is not. Some days are better than others. Some days the old fear feels close. On those days, I try to keep my world small and simple. I focus on the next hour, not the next month. I drink water. I rest when I can. I keep myself away from extra stress when possible. That is not giving up. That is taking care of myself.
Living With the Ups and Downs
Another thing I have learned is that PTSD symptoms can look different at different times in life. What I could push through before may not feel the same now. What once helped right away may take more time. That does not mean the tools stopped working. It may just mean I need to use them more often or in a different way.
If you are dealing with something like this too, I think it helps to notice your own warning signs. Maybe you sleep less. Maybe you startle more. Maybe you pull away from people. Maybe you feel tense all the time. Those signs can be easy to ignore, but they matter. They are a signal to slow down before things get too hard.
Simple routines can help with that. Try to:
- Keep a regular sleep and wake time when you can.
- Use calming sounds, music, or quiet.
- Take breaks before you feel worn out.
- Stay connected to safe people.
- Limit things that make your stress worse.
- Return to coping tools even if you do not feel like it.
None of that is fancy. It is not a cure. But it can give you a little more room to breathe. When I am struggling, I need practical things. I need reminders that I can get through one moment at a time. I need to know that a bad day does not mean a bad life.
I also think it is important to let yourself grieve the setback. It is okay to be upset that the flashbacks are back. It is okay to be tired of fighting. It is okay to say, “I don’t like this.” Those feelings are real. Naming them can make them easier to carry.
Hope Still Matters
Even with this relapse, I am still hopeful. I know I have been through hard things before. I know I have learned coping skills. I know I can call on them again. That gives me strength. It may not make the road smooth, but it does remind me that I am not starting from nothing.
Hope does not always feel bright. Sometimes it is very small. Sometimes hope is just getting through today. Sometimes it is choosing to try meditation again. Sometimes it is turning on calming music. Sometimes it is saying to yourself, “I have made it through before, and I can make it through again.”
If you are facing your own PTSD relapse, or if a new trauma has brought back old pain, please know that you are not alone. Support can make a real difference. Disability Network Lakeshore can help, and our services are free. If you need help finding resources, support, or a next step, call (616) 396-5326. We are located at 442 Century Lane, Holland, MI 49423.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is reach out before we feel ready. I know that can be hard. But help is there, and there is no shame in using it. For now, I am holding on to the tools I have, the lessons I learned years ago, and the hope that this too will pass. That is enough for today.