When you have PTSD, you have an invisible wound that is not easily healed. You may feel as if you have been damaged beyond repair, and you may harbor great anger towards the person, thing, or circumstance that caused your PTSD.
I believe there is no greater healing force in the universe than that of forgiveness. I grew up in a harsh environment. I was the victim of the actions of others that shaped my life and left me with PTSD. I was very angry at the people who inflicted that pain, but what I have learned from those experiences is that anger is a double-edged sword. Yes, it cuts the person it’s directed toward, but it cuts the person who holds that anger as well. Without forgiveness, anger becomes a black cancer allowing its pain to continue eating away at us, day after day.
When you remain angry at the person that hurt you, it gives the pain they caused you the power to continue hurting you. That is hard to live with because the hurt keeps showing up in your mind and body long after the event is over. It can follow you into quiet moments, into sleep, and into times when you want peace. By hanging on to that anger, you allow it to rob you of today as well as yesterday, and if you don’t put forgiveness into practice, it will continue to rob you of your tomorrows as well. In other words, it is your choice whether you continue to let the anger you have towards the person who hurt you continue to hurt you. You end up sacrificing the happiness of today to that anger, focusing on how you were hurt in the past instead of experiencing the joy of the moment you are in now!
That does not mean the hurt was small. It does not mean what happened was okay. Forgiveness is not the same as saying, “It was fine.” It is not pretending the pain was never there. It is a way of saying that the past will not get to keep controlling your life. That can be a hard step, especially when the wound is deep. For people living with PTSD, the body can react before the mind has time to catch up. A sound, smell, place, or memory can bring the whole feeling back. When that happens, anger can feel like armor. It may seem like it helps keep you safe. But over time, it can also keep you stuck.
We can carry that anger with us everywhere, every day. We have the choice of disarming the power it has over us and leaving it behind, but many times we choose to hold on to the anger and let it continue gnawing at us. When you forgive the person who wronged you, you acknowledge that whatever the reason for their actions, you won’t continue to allow them to hurt you. You destroy their power and leave the pain in the past. In the simple act of forgiveness, you release your pain. It no longer has the power to continue hurting you. In time, you may even come to the point where you recognize the weakness of the person who hurt you in the first place, but it is your choice whether you let their actions continue to poison you.
Sometimes forgiveness is not a one-time event. It can be a practice. You may need to choose it more than once. You may need to choose it in small steps. That can look like taking a breath instead of replaying the hurt again. It can mean naming the anger without letting it run the whole day. It can mean telling yourself, “This pain is real, but it does not own me.” Those small choices can matter. They can help loosen anger’s grip, even when the feelings are still strong.
There are also simple things that may help you work toward forgiveness and calm when PTSD and anger feel close together:
- Pause and breathe slowly when you feel anger rising.
- Step away from a tense situation if you can.
- Write down what you are feeling so it is not only in your head.
- Talk with a trusted friend, family member, or support person.
- Notice what brings on the anger, if you are able, so you can prepare for it.
- Do one steadying thing each day, like a walk, a prayer, music, or quiet time.
These steps do not erase the past. They can, however, give you more room to breathe. They can help you notice that you are more than what was done to you. They can also help you choose your next step instead of only reacting to old pain. That is part of disarming anger. It is not about pretending. It is about taking back your own life.
It may also help to remember that forgiveness is for you. It is not a gift that says the other person deserves peace. It is a gift that says you deserve peace. When you carry anger for a long time, your mind and body often stay on alert. That can make rest harder. It can make trust harder. It can even make good days feel heavy. Letting go, even a little at a time, can create space for healing. It can give you more energy for the people and the parts of life that are safe and good.
If you are working through PTSD, support can make a difference. You do not have to figure it out alone. Disability Network Lakeshore can help with free services for people with disabilities in Ottawa and Allegan counties. We can talk with you about information and referral, peer support, advocacy, and other services that may help you move forward. You can reach us at (616) 396-5326. We are located at 442 Century Lane, Holland, MI 49423.
Disarm your anger; remove the stinger from the pain of the past…forgive. It really is the wisest choice.