COVID-19 has caused a lot of stress on everyone, but it has been an especially difficult time for those who are caring for others. Caregiving is a stressful lifestyle even in good times, but when we have added worry and responsibilities from outside factors, it can be critical for us to take care of ourselves. The weight can build up fast. A normal day may already include meals, medicine, rides, laundry, phone calls, and help with daily tasks. When you add fear, supply changes, health concerns, and social distance, the pressure gets even heavier.
It is likely that our American lifestyle causes us to develop a sense of guilt whenever we do something for ourselves. We believe we are selfish when we spend a little extra time doing something nice for ourselves. I believe that comes from an attitude in early settlers that time spent on things other than chores and work that helped keep you alive, fed, and safe was time wasted. That wasn’t really true then, and it’s certainly not true now. Taking care of yourself is of utmost importance. If you don’t take care of yourself, how will you last through the long-term commitment of caring for someone else? You can’t care for them if you are too exhausted.
That guilt can show up in small ways. You may tell yourself you will rest after one more task, then one more, then one more. Before long, the day is gone and you have done nothing for yourself. You may also feel like you must always be available. But people are not machines. Even the best caregiver needs time to rest, breathe, and reset. When you are worn down, your patience runs short. Your focus slips. Simple jobs can feel harder than they should. That is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you need care, too.
So, that being said, this week, why don’t you think of something nice you can do for yourself? Take some time to read that book you wanted to read. Or, maybe go out for dinner, or invite some friends in for a good chat. Whatever you want to do, if it isn’t hurting someone else, and if it makes you feel good, do it! You have earned it; and furthermore, you’ll continue to earn it.
If it helps, start small. You do not need a full day off to matter. Ten minutes with a cup of coffee. A walk around the block. A quiet shower without rushing. Sitting outside and listening to the birds. Listening to music with the door closed. A short call with a friend who makes you laugh. Small breaks can help your mind and body calm down. Sometimes a little break is enough to get you through the next hard part.
If you think you can’t take any time for yourself now because the person you’re caring for isn’t doing well, or wouldn’t like it, well, if they aren’t doing well, it’s likely you’re already exhausted and you really need some time to recoup. If they don’t like it, well, how much do you do you don’t really like doing? Yes, you can admit it! You may feel obligated to care for that other person, but there is no law that says you have to enjoy doing it. You can still love that individual, but need some reward for all the work you’ve been doing so far. How many of us want to work and never get paid for it? If nothing else, it might change your attitude towards your responsibilities.
There is also a practical side to this. When you are rested, you are more likely to notice changes in the person you care for. You may remember appointments better. You may speak more calmly. You may make fewer mistakes. You may also be more able to ask for help when you need it. Caregiving often lasts a long time, so pacing yourself matters. Think of self-care like keeping your gas tank from running empty. You do not have to fill it all the way every day. But you do need enough to keep going.
It can help to make a simple plan. Try to choose one thing you will do for yourself each day. Keep it realistic.
- Wake up ten minutes early and sit in silence.
- Set aside time to stretch.
- Eat lunch away from your phone if you can.
- Ask another family member, friend, or neighbor to stay with your loved one for a short time.
- Write down three things that went well today.
- Take a break when the person you care for is resting.
If your schedule is already full, look for small places where you can save energy. Put often-used items in the same spot. Make a short list for errands. Keep important phone numbers handy. Accept help when it is offered. It may feel easier to do everything yourself, but that can wear you out faster. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is to let someone else help you for a little while.
It may also help to talk honestly with the person you are caring for, if you can. You do not need to give a long speech. You can say, “I need to rest for a little bit so I can keep helping you.” You can say, “I will be back soon.” Clear words can ease worry. They can also remind you that taking a break is not the same as giving up.
There may be days when you feel too tired to do anything extra. On those days, do the smallest kind thing you can for yourself. Drink water. Sit down. Take a few deep breaths. Put your feet up. Even a short pause can help. And if the stress feels too large to manage alone, please reach out for support. Disability Network Lakeshore serves people with disabilities in Ottawa and Allegan counties, and our services are free. We may be able to help with information, support, and ideas for the next step. You can call us at (616) 396-5326.
So, do something for yourself today. In fact, do something for yourself every day. The funny thing is, I can almost guarantee you that if you do, you’ll be better at caring for that person than if you didn’t take any of time for yourself.
It’s a hard job you’re doing. You’ve earned the reward of a bit of pampering. Go ahead…you’ll both be better for it. Good luck, and stay well!