Stay positive. That’s what all the messages are these days: stay up, stay positive, stay healthy. But, while that may be easily said, sometimes it’s not easily accomplished. I don’t feel positive all the time. Sometimes I feel really, really negative. As George Carlin used to say, “Sometimes I just want to have a crappy day!”
This coronavirus thing has been the latest in a long line of disasters for me. I won’t go into them all, because I know I’m not unique in my misery. You’ve had your share of hard times too. So, staying up through it all is not always possible. I guess the first message is that it is okay to be down sometimes. When things go wrong, we have a right to mourn the loss. In fact, if we neglect to allow ourselves to feel, then we are simply putting those feelings off and they’ll come back when we least expect them…or want them to return.
That matters because feelings do not disappear just because we tell them to. They often wait. Then they show up later, when we are tired, stressed, or already dealing with something else. That is why it can help to name what is going on. You might say to yourself, “I am sad today,” or “I am angry about this,” or “I am worn out.” Simple words can make hard feelings easier to hold.
Losses in life are a given; they are going to happen, and we have to grieve those losses. While that’s happening, we aren’t going to be happy and feel warm and fuzzy. We’re going to feel sad and want to isolate ourselves. That’s okay too. It’s part of the healing process. It’s when we continue that way too long that it becomes a problem.
Grief can look different for each person. For one person, it may mean crying. For another, it may mean not wanting to talk. For someone else, it may mean being extra tired, short with people, or losing interest in things they usually enjoy. All of that can be part of a hard season. Still, it can help to keep a small thread to the outside world. A short phone call, a text, a walk, or sitting on the porch can be enough for one day. Small steps count.
It’s okay to not be okay, but we want to see the bad times and feelings end too. If you feel they’ve gone on too long, then it may just be that you need to do something to bump yourself out of it. That may take longer than you’d like to think, but it can be done and once you are on the other side, you can experience happiness again.
“Bump yourself out of it” can mean different things. It may be getting up and changing your space. It may be opening a window, drinking a glass of water, or stepping outside for a few minutes. It may be turning off the news for a while. It may be making a simple plan for the day, even if that plan is very small. The point is not to fix everything at once. The point is to break the loop a little so you can breathe.
If you don’t feel positive right now, don’t beat yourself up. Keep moving forward. A very wise person once told me, “If you don’t feel like your faith is going to get your through, pretend it will. Keep going, and one day you’ll realize you aren’t pretending anymore.” She was right. Keep moving forward. One day you’ll realize the sun is back and things aren’t so bleak as they were. Keep going until you find that new day. Do whatever you have to do to feel better. Try everything in your arsenal of coping mechanisms until you find a combination that works. Remember, when you come out on the other side, it’s worth the effort. It’s okay to not feel okay…for a while. But it’s better to feel better again!
That “arsenal” may include different things for different people. Some people find comfort in routine. Getting up at the same time, eating regular meals, and going to bed on a schedule can help the day feel more steady. Some people do better with movement, like stretching, chair exercises, or a short walk. Some people need quiet time, prayer, music, journaling, or a favorite hobby. Some people feel better when they help someone else. There is no single right answer. The goal is to find what gives you a little more strength today.
Here are a few simple ideas that may help when you are stuck:
- Break a big task into one small step.
- Drink water and eat something simple.
- Get some fresh air if you can.
- Limit time with people or media that drain you.
- Reach out to one trusted person.
- Rest without guilt when your body needs it.
- Keep a list of things that have helped before.
And if you are trying to help someone else through a hard time, remember this too: you do not have to fix them. You can listen. You can sit with them. You can ask, “What would help right now?” Sometimes the best support is steady and quiet. Sometimes it is just being present.
If you need help finding your next step, Disability Network Lakeshore may be able to help. Our services are free. We are a nonprofit Center for Independent Living serving people with disabilities in Ottawa and Allegan counties, Michigan. You can call us at (616) 396-5326. We can help people look at options, learn about supports, and connect with resources.
So yes, it is okay to not feel okay for a while. Just do not stay there alone if you can help it. Keep going. Keep looking for the small thing that helps. Keep making room for rest, grief, and hope. A new day can come. And when it does, it may not arrive all at once. It may come quietly, one small step at a time.
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